Grief

Let's talk about grief. Something that’s been coming up quite a bit lately with friends, and myself.  I lost a dear friend to their battle with cancer in July and I’ve been struggling with grief. As a death doula we talk a lot about grief and how to help support the people that we’re working with. Focusing on how to manage their feelings as they move through loss.  I think it’s important that we talk about it more openly, share what our experiences are and what comes up for us in this space.  Society seems to have focused us into these weird time limits as to how long we’re allowed to grieve and what that’s supposed to look like but they are unrealistic and unhealthy.  

First I just want to say there’s no right way to process your grief, there’s no wrong way, it is a personal and individualized process. Try to be gentle with yourself and not compare yourself to other people in their process.  As an outsider, I think we need to also be more kind and give more space to those who are grieving.  Don't put pressure on anyone to snap out of it or stop talking about their feelings. Everyone has to go through this in their own particular way and pace. 

This reminded me of a cartoon a close friend of mine shared with me a couple of years ago about grief. It was a box that had a large circle in the middle and a pain buton on the inside of the boc. The circle represents grief and in the beginning, that circle fills up so much of the box that it's always hitting the pain button.  Those intense feelings of grief and loss are felt.  But over time that circle shrinks.  It doesn’t mean grief goes away, but it doesn’t hit the pain button as much, however, when it does, it is still painful. So while the time may allow more distance between the pain being felt, you're processing grief and it may be months, years, even decades  that you feel these pangs of sadness and loss. 

So all this just to say and to share, that it’s okay to be grieving, its okay to feel what you’re feeling and to really rely on the people who you care about and who you feel safe around, to share in what you’re feeling and to not feel like you have to carry it on your own or alone because you never are.